My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Terrible idea I love it
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
