I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
