why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This is my gift to your gina
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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