just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
