i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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