I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I could have mohawked her pubes.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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