if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
