take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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