he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
