i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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