You kept calling me your small dog last night.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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