Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
