DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
