How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Randomize
