I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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