I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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