jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
