Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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