we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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