If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
