i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
