he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
