If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
