Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
