I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
