Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The uberlube is also flammable
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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