this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
