Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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