there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
