We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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