i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Help me help you realize you are a moron
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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