I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
