aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
