You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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