So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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