I'm gonna have a badass scar
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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