Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
