awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
