Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
