i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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