I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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