so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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