..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
not ubering you a puppy
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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