He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize