I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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