Just fell off a train. Bad.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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