Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
