I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
