Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
