I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
