Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
