Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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