i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
