I love black thongs
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
