oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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