your parents love me but you hate me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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