Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
