I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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