His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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