I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
