Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
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